“Don’t set me on fire and then act like you’re the one burning”.

-R.H. Sin

Yeah, you got my attention. What do you expect? That I’ll humor you? That I’ll share my life details while you look on from afar? Let you watch and see how well I turned out so you don’t have to feel guilty for how you fucked me in the head? No, you don’t get to do that. If you want to know how I’m doing then ask. If you want to be a man then apologize. Don’t lurk. Don’t be a coward. Be direct and clear. If you can’t do that then just fuck off.

-Michelle

I never thought it possible to consider ever coming off of my antidepressants. I thought I was imprisoned by them for life. But last weekend at my therapy session my therapist suggested that we start thinking about slowly lowering my dosage. Obviously this is a terrifying idea for someone who has a history of suicidal ideations. However, he believes that someone as introspective and insightful as me will be able to cope with a slow tapering off of my medication as we continue working through my trauma and PTSD. Thankfully I don’t have to start right away because as most who know me know that this is the hardest time of year for me. So right now it’s just an idea. Something to think over. I’m hopeful though. I’m excited at the prospect of not having to rely on antidepressants for the rest of my life.

-Michelle

I want my words to cut deep. I want my presence to be known and my absence to be felt. I want my memory to haunt like a restless ghost. I don’t want to be missed or longed for. I just want you to slowly drown in your own guilt. 

Six years old and full of wonder.

My heart always on display.

Wishing for nothing more 

Than for my brother to come out to play. 

But shadows followed me into the darkest night.

Death creeps around corners just out of sight. 

The storm has passed, 

The rain has ceased. 

But shadows still glower. 

And my wishes deceased. 

Six years old but I feel so much smaller. 

Sorrow is weighing me down. 

Meek I become in my new reality.

Nobody notices as I shut down.

My body walks around like a vessel unmanned. 

Crashing into things. Falling over.

My life is now damned.

I learned to do my duty as a good christian girl.

Go to church, Pray to God, Never question.

Even as my faith unfurls.

So I held my breath over rivers.

prayed to the brightest stars.

Wished on every dandelion.

But nothing fixes these scars.

Each year I grow a little older.

With fear of my coming fate.

I know the time is coming.

 For my most dreaded date.

Death is always lurking.

Taking people that I love.

Biding his time. watching me.

Smirking from above.

It’s like a little game he plays.

To see how much I can take. 

But I hold my breath.

Close my eyes.

Ignore my heart that aches. 

Still I hold my breath over rivers.

Pray to the brightest stars.

Wish on every dandelion.

But nothing fixes these scars.

I followed the river east.

The star to the north.

Wished on my dandelion. 

And called death forth. 

Take my old life.

And bury it deep. 

I’m starting a new and I’m too tired to weep. 

Tell that girl I’m sorry.

So sorry she hurt.

But peace will come soon.

In the deepest of dirt.

Death, watch over her as she sleeps in the ground.

And tell all those who mourn.

“She’s not lost but is found”. 

She was torn in two but one side got out.

Put on her Tombstone: 

“Breathe, Wish, Shout”

-Michelle

It is a moral tyranny to expect all those who have been hurt to forgive.

People tell you that forgiveness sets you free. They say that it will bring you peace. But I see it differently. I believe it locks people into bad behavior. No righting of wrongs. No justice served. If you forgive someone who has hurt you then it let’s them off the hook. They are then free to go about their lives hurting those around them without the guilt of it all. Guilt keeps people from making the same mistake over again.

I know this sounds like I’m angry and bitter but it isn’t the way it sounds. Yes I’m angry every time I think about how I was hurt. I’m angry every time I remember that person But I don’t dwell on it. I let myself feel the anger in those moments when a memory hits me. But then it’s gone and I move on. I think it keeps me from falling into bad relationships and trusting the wrong people.

There is no redemption for those who hurt and then don’t make amends. And how would one know if the perpetrator is genuine with a simple apology. I do think forgiveness can be earned over time and with a lot of work. But forgiveness should never be expected.

I am not bitter. Shit happens and I’m moving on. But you won’t get my forgiveness easily. You have to live with the fact that when I think of you, even for just a moment I feel that anger towards you. I have no nice thoughts or pleasant memories of you left because they all lead to anger.

TL;DR

It’s unfair to ask for forgiveness if you don’t try to make amends. It’s unfair to expect forgiveness even if you asked for it. Forgiveness let’s the big bad off the hook. Anger keeps me from making bad relationship choices. I’m not always angry, I’m moving on with a healthy amount of anger. Not bitter just realistic.

-Michelle

I don’t know if I believe in the human soul. A spirit that exists outside of the physical form. For a moment I’ll imagine that magic exists and souls are exempt from from a dreaded death. I imagine in a previous life my soul inhabited a dangerous beast. Wrists in shakles and short short breaths. Spears are thrown, bright torches shine. Deceased I become and my enemies dine. Feast upon my fear and sorrow leaving nothing but a need for vengeance behind. My soul so poor and misunderstood. There is nothing but anger where hurt once stood. I don’t know if I believe in the human soul. A spirit that exists outside of the human form. If magical immortal souls are real, I think mine is a dragon just trying to heal.

-Michelle

I woke up today feeling happy. That happiness followed me all day and through everything. There was no particular reason for it. It was a surprisingly ordinary day considering how happy I felt. Early morning alarms, working out, ungodly traffic jams, and a toddler determined to get into things she shouldn’t…yet I was still happy. I am still happy. The thing is I know what happens next. I’m on my upest of ups and next comes the fall. So through these feelings of happiness I keep my guard up. I know how my mental health works. I can’t get wrapped up in the happiness. I let myself enjoy it while I feel that way and do whatever I can to keep that feeling for as long as possible but I also try to prepare myself for the fall. For the bad day that is sure to come. I’m pretty confident that when the fall comes it wont be my lowest of lows. Medication helps keep it somewhat in control. But falling can happen quickly and you never truly know how steep the fall will be. So I’m making sure I’m prepared. I know I’ve got this. I know who I have to lean on if I need to. My house is stocked with things that calm me down and things that make me smile. I’m ready. But until that day happens I’m going to enjoy these feelings of happiness and hope. I’m going to appreciate those around me who are here for me during both my ups and my downs. I’m going to snuggle with my cats like crazy. And maybe just maybe I’ll bake something new while I watch the Great British Bake Off.

-Michelle

I failed womankind

I had a friend years ago that was talking about a time he slept with his girlfriend. He mentioned that the condom either broke or he took it off without telling her (my memory of the conversation is a but fuzzy). He talked about this incident jokingly. Like it was just a funny thing he did one time. She had no idea that he wasn’t using a condom and he never showed any remorse after the fact. It’s just a funny story to tell. I remember hearing this story and feeling sad for the girl but I laughed with him anyways and then I tried to put it out of my mind. I cared so much for this man that I was able to look past this and move on without much thought for what he actually did.

It’s wasn’t until after I was raped (by someone else) that this memory of having that conversation with him came back to me. I felt sick to my stomach knowing I laughed with him while he spoke about betraying this womans trust by ignoring the conditions that consent was given under. I laughed while he spoke of what I now consider a form of rape. I feel horrible that I put that heinous information he gave me into the back of my mind and continued my friendship with him. I feel horrible that I never stood up for this woman.

I’m sad that I let myself forget or even worse just didn’t even care enough to stop myself from having a romantic-ish relationship with this man for a short time. I let myself be blind. How poorly must I have seen myself to ignore such big bright red flags.

I failed womankind. I let him joke. I let him call her dirty. I let him objectify her and myself. I let him get away with thinking that what he did was normal and okay.

So I’m hear to say that I know messed up. I know I wasn’t a very good person. And I am so so sorry. I don’t expect to be forgiven because I don’t forgive myself. All I can do is do better in the future. Stick up for the women around me. And speak loudly in the presence of misogyny and the unjust.

I don’t miss that man or that friendship. I wasn’t a good person but I still deserved better than him. I hope he knows what he did and how that could have potentially affected that womans life. Being betrayed, being assaulted, and then being mocked. Those things change people. They change the way they have relationships and how they trust. I hope he knows that I know who he really is and I am not impressed.

-Michelle

Closure is a lie,

There is no such thing as closure. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with that. I used to think that “if only I could get closure I could move on”, funny thing is I moved on just fine without it. The concept of closure is just an idea to give you comfort. But pain doesn’t disappear just because your life continues. pain doesn’t disappear with happiness. As an adult I really do try to use my trauma as lessons in compassion and wisdom. It’s a choice you have to keep making over and over. Because feelings of anger and sadness sneak up on you out of nowhere. One day you think you are fine and the next day you are swimming in a pool of rage; waiting to pull someone under with you. But I make the choice to use the pain in a different way. It’s funny, people assume if you have a ‘big talk’ or some 'ritual’ it will end things nice and neatly. That you can close the book and it will be over. That isn’t how it works. Some people think that time heals all wounds, in a way I kind of get that but I don’t really think that wounds heal. I think your perspective changes how you see your wounds. Your always changing perspective helps you find new and healthier ways confront those feelings. So when I say I’ve moved on it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel the pain on occasion. It just means I’ve learned how to use that pain to help me grow and become better. There is no closure. There is no end. It is always going to be there. But I am stronger and healthier than I’ve been in a long time. Because I made the choice to move on.

-Michelle

Just Memories

Have you ever gone back and read through old diaries or journal entries? You find yourself cringing at your ideas of love. Seemingly meaningful moments you had at one time look completely different a decade out from it. Heartaches that you felt so strongly are now nothing more than a few paragraphs in an old notebook. There are times when you get embarrassed just reading the things you wrote. First dates, first kisses, and first loves. Anger, bitterness, and disappointment. All trapt inside these long ignored pages. They make me smile. Each and every entry makes me smile. I can remember how I felt with tears splashing the pages when I wrote about my father’s arrest or my brothers death, I felt helpless and didn’t know how to get through it. I didn’t even know if I wanted to get through it. But I smile because I did. The entries surrounding my first date and kiss are especially cringeworthy but the sort of innocence and excitement pouring out of them brings me joy. Even the entries about my first relationship make me smile now despite the way it ended. I love that I have these reminders of who I was and how I grew. These memories don’t get visited too terribly often. They will stay trapt on the pages of a old book and shut away in an old box covered in ballerinas in the top corner of a closet. These memories however sad or however long ago were made are a part of what has shaped me.

-Michelle

Hey,

I’m pretty sure everyone I know from my life before I moved up north have deactivated their accounts. Which makes it easier for me to start using this again to organize my thoughts.

You wouldn’t believe how much my life has changed in the last 4 years. Moving away from Texas is the best thing I’ve ever done. Being away from everything that was pushed at me from childhood as truth. Being away from everyone who expected me to believe the way they believe. It’s been amazing and through it I have learned a lot about myself and I’ve finally found my voice. My relationships with my mom and sister have improved since I have started being more honest with them and myself about my beliefs. Things with my mom especially have been really good. Because while I was questioning everything she taught me growing up she was also questioning everything her parents taught her. It’s nice to be able to talk to her about religion and politics and not have to worry about disappointing her. It’s nice to be able to tell her that I think the bible is a load of horse shit and not have her worried for my soul. It gives me hope to see my mom (a woman in her 60s) question the things she was taught and build new beliefs. She and I will never fully agree on everything but that is okay because I enjoy hearing her ideas and thoughts especially when they are different from my own.

I finally have health insurance now (something I could never afford in Texas). This health insurance actually covers some mental health care so I’ve been spending the last 9 months trying out different therapist. It’s been an ordeal for sure but I’m so grateful to be able to go to any mental health professional let alone try out different ones until I find the right fit. I did find one I truly loved but they didn’t work with my work schedule which sucks. But even just the few appointments I had with them helped me understand a little of what I’ve been going through my whole life. I can now talk about my brothers death without bursting into tears. I still have a lot to work through with my PTSD, depression, and anxiety. But I have hope for the first time in my life that I’ll be okay. And that’s because I know I can get help.

Don’t get me wrong though, life is definitely still a challenge and I still have days where I just don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t expect that to ever fully go away. But I am managing and things are better than they have been in many many years. It helps to have someone supportive in your life (which I have with Mike and with my mom). I do however try not to rely on them too much. But I am so happy that I am able to share my hardest most painful experiences with them. They don’t try to fix anything for me, they just listen.

Telling anyone about being raped is hard enough on its own. But having to worry about if they will put blame on you as the victim is even worse. And I can 100% say that with Mike and my mom I didn’t have to worry about that. It’s still not easy to talk about but it’s nice to know I can.

So to end this I would like to say: As someone who is afraid of change I am thrilled that I had the courage to lean into the change when the opportunity presented itself.

-Michelle

I know I haven’t posted much in the last few months. Truth is its a mixture of being too busy living my life and also knowing too many people from my real life read this. It’s time to move on from all of that. And I will most likely be deleting this blog and starting over in a few weeks with a new one. There are a few of you I will be sure to follow because your insight over the last several years has meant a lot to me. But right now I have too many big changes going on to worry about any of this. Thank you all for listening to me.

-Michelle