What happens the morning after the best night of your life?
You wake up from the dream it must have been. With either a sense of new hope. Or a bitter sadness that drives you to mistakes. At least that’s how it is for me.
When people talk about love like an addiction which to be fair is something I have been guilty of in the past. It sort of bothers me. I have been addicted to the love of a certain person. That addiction tore my life apart. Because of that addiction I let go of my life goals. I stopped trying to be a better person. Because I thought that person, their love, my addiction were all I needed to be better…I slowly withered away.
Only fragments of myself remained behind. Now I slowly build off these fragments. Trying to be true to myself. I have moments when I feel myself cling to another. I am having withdraw of love. And this new one is so very enticing. My addiction has made me suffer once more. So please, do not give me your love until I am prepared to hold on to myself.
I’m going to preface this by letting you know that I’m not entirely sure what I think or feel at the moment. So an hour or two from now my thoughts could be completely different.
I spent the weekend with an amazing man. I adore him and couldn’t imagine what my life would be right now if we hadn’t met. So I’ve been pretty happy this weekend. I didn’t think anything could bring me down. But facebook isn’t a happy place. I knew that already but out of this weird habit I opened the facebook app at a moment of boredom while Austin was preoccupied with something else. The first thing I saw was an announcement from my Ex’s sister that her little brother is getting married (the ex). My first impulse was to laugh. I then immediately deleted the facebook app off my phone because I knew I was about to get into the car to drive for three hours and the last thing I needed was to have the ability to obsess over something that doesn’t involve me.
So with facebook deleted I began to cry. It was no longer funny to me. I was hurt and I was angry. Don’t get me wrong though, I am not upset that I wasn’t the one he proposed to. I’m upset I ever believed in him. I’m upset that he lied. And I’m upset that my judgment regarding him was so skewed. You see every year for the seven and a half years we were together I heard from him “we are going to get married in a couple of years” that was until last year when it became “I can see us getting married this year” then when he broke up with me saying “i don’t know or think i ever want to get married and I don’t love you enough to be what you need.” I knew with that sentence he wasn’t who I thought he was. But to have him propose to his new girlfriend a year after he said those words to me was funny but also infuriating. I couldn’t figure out why I was sad though. I don’t want to be with him at all. I think he lied to me more often than I originally thought. Our relationship wasn’t healthy and I don’t ever want to go back to that. So sadness didn’t make sense to me but I felt it anyways. Then it hit me. It was the announcement his sister made. My best friend from high school. The person I truly considered as my sister. She could irritate me and piss me off but I love her like family. And in her announcement when she called my ex’s new girlfriend her future sister it kind of broke my heart all over again. Because that is me. I’m her sister. Not Megan. And to see her so excited to welcome Megan into her family when just a year ago she said it was weird her brother was dating her….well I’m starting to feel like that whole family doesn’t mean a word they say. But I’m sure that part is just me overreacting to something that doesn’t make sense to me.
So all of these thoughts are going through my head while Austin is doing dishes and I just say “what the hell!?” He looks up and asks what’s wrong and I explain it all to him crying my eyes out and in just a moment he walks over put his arms around me and comforts me while I was crying over another guy. He seemed so concerned for me and he was. It was sweet. He understands that I am still dealing with the pain my ex caused but he also knows that my feelings are for him. And even though we aren’t really dating we are incredibly close and really care for each other.
This whole day has been an emotional roller coaster. And it has made me question a lot of things. My mom said that she thinks Andy started dating Megan before he and I broke up. My sister said the same thing. I personally don’t really think they started dating that early but I do think something between them was going on. I think feelings between them were developing while we were still together. I think part of the reason he dumped me was because of her even if he didn’t really know that was the reason at the time. I’m not sure if he ever cheated on me. I want to say he didn’t. But I’ve really been surprised lately by some of his actions. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he had slipped up and kissed someone else or something. But I will never know and it doesn’t help to speculate. How this unfolded is just all kind of unreal to me.
It’s time for me to let it go. All of this anger and sadness it isn’t good for me. Speculating on what did or didn’t happen in my previous relationship is going to get me nowhere. What I can do is move on with the pretty spectacular life I have built for myself in this last year. I can work on continuing to grow as a strong and independent woman. I can enjoy my new friendships and try to repair some of the old that I still care for. I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be. Crying over hurt feelings and raging over lies is not something I wish to do.
When I’m with you the littlest things make me smile.
When I’m with you I cant imagine myself being elsewhere.
When I’m with you a single look can make my heart beats falter.
I am really really happy today. :)
Started the apartment hunting this week. I think I found one I may be interested in but finding the time to go check it out in person is going to be a bit difficult to manage. I’m happy though, I feel like my life has been on pause for so long and I was finally able to push play and live again. Moving forward as my own person. Unattached to anybody. It’s exciting.
I have a terrible habit of letting my thoughts slip out before I have a chance of censoring them. It gets me in trouble more than I would like. It causes unnecessary drama. And I just sit there afterwords like “Well shit, thank you grandmother for passing this particular trait on to me, also thank you for the tripple D’s that are causing my back to ache”.