I'm Michelle and I'm 24,
I believe the creativity of shows like Star Trek and other iconic works of science fiction is not only a beautiful escape from real life, but also the start to making life changing scientific discoveries.
I believe in helping those around you even when it isn't convenient to yourself.
I believe the desire to love and be loved blinds most people into being with someone they aren't compatible with.
I believe that music can drastically change your mood.
I believe it is important to be honest with the people in your life even if it is painful.
I believe friendship is beautiful and to find one that can stand the test of time is beyond amazing.
I believe it is important to never be ashamed of the things you love. If somebody looks down on you for enjoying anything from getting your nails done to watching Stargate then they aren't worth your time.
I believe that there is something out in the stars that we aren't expecting.
I believe in expressing your thoughts and feelings as much as you can.
I believe that life is beautiful and we should not squander it away because of fear (I am working on this one).
I did not post that vampire diary thing or whatever that was just now. My account was compromised somehow, I deleted the post and I have already fixed what I think happened.
Every experience in life teaches you something new. This experience has taught me more than I ever expected. The first week of this job I tried to tell myself it was just that… A JOB. But I learned the second week in that I had to let it be more. My heart couldn’t pretend it was anything less than what it was. The second week Lauren was admitted into the hospital, because of her leukemia she is susceptible to so many things and well the bacterial infection was almost as stubborn as she is. Lauren stayed there for close to three months but finally after several room changes, a couple lung biopsy’s, and a lot of crying Lauren was finally allowed to go home. During the time at the hospital my heart would break on a daily basis. But I had to stay strong and fearless. In those three months I fell in love with that little girl and when Lauren finally made it home I promised myself that I would make every day as fun as possible for her. I know I failed on several occasions and I regret that, but I tried my very hardest.
This girl can be very stubborn at times but it is very exaggerated when she is feeling bad. So because of that we had a number of TV Marathon days (My Little Pony is her show of choice). Even on those days when playing or doing crafts was too hard for her, I made sure that she knew I was right there with her, Giving her the support that she needed. It’s been been an amazing experience, these last seven months have taught me more than you know. It’s taught me more than I can even begin to put into words. I see Laurens strength as a four year old girl with leukemia and it makes everything in my life seem far less dramatic or earth shattering. I am so thankful to have had this experience and I am so sad that it is ending. Thankfully Lauren is healthy enough to back to school and it’s time for me to move on and find a new experience. I’m so happy that I have Lauren and her family in my life now. They have all made a big impact in such a short amount of time in my life. and I just hope that I have had some sort of positive impact in theirs as well.
Tomorrow starts the first day of my last week with an amazing little girl.
Everybody has a hole in their heart that we spend our lives trying to fill. You see this hole isn’t just an ordinary hole. It is meant to hold something special. but the problem is finding that special thing to put there that fits. You can’t put something too small or else it will fall out and you will be unable to find it again. You can’t put something too big or you might get stuck. It can’t have sharp edges or a flimsy center because either of those options leave you in pain. You need something strong but light. Something that can fit snugly but wont cut off circulation.
We spend our lives trying to find that perfect piece to put in our heart and it’s painful and scary but during this journey we find these temporary place fillers. They keep your heart warm for as long as they know how and it’s nice for a while but becomes painful and it begins to damage that spot in your heart if left there for too long. So time after time the shape of the hole changes from the damage of the others. but one day you will find this thing that is dented and twisted but to you it’s beautiful and to your surprise it’s the same shape as that little piece in your heart that is missing.
At least I imagine that is the way hearts heal and people grow.
Reblogging this for myself.
I say you can not hurt me.
That is a lie.
As strong as I am.
I have a weakness.
You have poked at it.
You’ve made your way in.
You are free to do one of two things.
Help me strengthen it from the inside.
Or tear me apart.
I tell you I’m too smart.
I wont let this happen to me again.
I know my place here.
Because of that I’ll feel no pain.
Don’t you know yet I’m a liar.
I say I’m more secure than the others.
But I question every decision I make.
I let you know I’m okay.
Okay with however this turns out.
My heart tightens at this falsehood.
No matter what I say.
What strength I portray in myself.
You could break me.
You wont ever know though.
I have a mask.
It covers the damage done to me.
Under that mask is porcelain.
It cracks a little more each day.
I dab on a little glue.
And continue on my way.
I say I’m invulnerable.
I have lost the ability to speak the truth.
I kind of love it when we have drastic weather changes. Everyone runs around like headless chickens, not knowing what to do. It’s fun to watch.
My heart is being pulled.
In a thousand different directions.
I can feel it trying to stretch.
“Go this way”
“Do this thing”
“Talk to this person”
My heart tries to stretch.
It wants it all.
The heart is selfish.
It will over extend itself.
Until finally it rips.
My ripped heart.
I did this to it.
I beg my heart.
Please let go of these things.
The things that are breaking us.
Let me heal
And let me grow.
There’s a scab there now.
Hard and black.
The scab is made out of bitterness of our unfulfilled dreams.
I use this scab to keep the damaging things out.
My heart is comfortable behind this shield of hatred.
One day though
My heart wants more.
Once again, it’s selfishness emerges.
It wants forgiveness
I can feel it
beginning to stretch once more.
I beg it to remember our pain.
Stop reaching for more than we can bare.
My heart turns and yells back.
It is not the fault of your heart.
You blamed your heart
for wanting too much.
But it was you.
You were too afraid to go after anything.
You know when you have to take a Band-aid off and you’re slightly anxious for the pain of it pulling on your skin/scab? You take a big breath in preparation and then just yank and it’s all over. Your wound can breath and the pain wasn’t as bad as you had expected. You have a short moment of relief before your fear of ripping Band-Aids off comes back.
That’s what it’s like when you have to tell someone that their feelings aren’t reciprocated. You get anxious and build up a small amount of panic. you’re afraid of the pain it will cause not only the wound but the surrounding skin as well. but when you finally build up the nerve to yank it off you realise that it wasn’t so bad. You both get to breath and heal without the dirty Band-Aid that isn’t healthy for either one of you.
I ripped the Band-Aid off today.
I didn’t think he actually liked me. I just kind of assumed I was a place keeper. I thought a guy like him would only want me to keep him company until someone more attractive came along. I wasn’t prepared for him to actually like me. I wasn’t prepared for there to be real emotions involved. I think he is more fragile then he lets on. So I’m afraid of telling him I don’t feel anything for him. I enjoy him as a person but I can’t see us together. How do I tell him I’m hung up on someone else? That I’ve enjoyed the dates but it probably shouldn’t happen anymore. I’m afraid of admitting my fault in this.
I’m standing here tall.
My head held high and eyes wide open.
I’m waiting for the storm to push me.
I am scared of being blown away.
I’m scared of falling over.
But still I stand here and wait.
I falter for a moment and look down.
The fear begins to cover me.
I just continue to watch.
Watch the waves crash against the rocks.
I know those rocks are waiting too.
They’re waiting for my inevitable fall.
I’ve spoken before about the future tragedy my life holds.
I know this is where it takes place.
Those rocks, this storm, it’s my final resting place.
So I look back up and I stand here.
I stand here tall.
My Head held high and eyes wide open.
I stand here scared.
I’m scared but I’m ready.
I’m ready to face the storm.
I know it’s going to be tragic.
But the rain is pouring.
The wind is blowing.
The waves are crashing.
I stand here with my eyes opened.
And I think this storm is beautiful.
I am a coward.